This is an article by guest writer Celestine Chua of Personal Excellence. D o you find yourself caught in certain loops in life? For most people, whenever something negative happens, their first instinct is to brush it off as just a one-off incident or to blame the environment. The second time it happens, they may still do the same. Fourth, fifth, sixth time soon, it becomes clear that this has become an established pattern. Throughout my life there have been recurring patterns.
Jan 30, How to Break Bad Relationship Patterns If you're caught in an endless cycle of crap dates, you may want to give up hope. Instead, empower yourself and start breaking bad relationship patterns. You can use this Past Dating Patterns form to work it out - PAST DATING keitaiplus.com and PAST DATING keitaiplus.com This worksheet was inspired by Meet Your Match Online and this Thought Catalog article by Kelly Joyce. Instead, empower yourself and start breaking bad relationship patterns. There is nothing like a string of bad dates to make you feel hopeless about meeting that special someone. You might be wondering if there are any good ones left out there!
Hey Jennifer, I love it when things like that happen timing wise. All the best to you! Good stuff. It is an interesting space to be in, to see what it is I truly want and need.
Know, breaking bad dating patterns with you
The difficult part is keeping that feeling, going out into the world, and saying no to what I used to fall into. Thank you for sharing. I am SO looking to break the cycle. I need so much help right now. I am ending another painful relationship.
I saw the red flags. There was much we enjoyed in common and ways about him that were so great, I ignored how fast he wanted me to commit, and when I wanted to slow it down, the issues arose. He also has mental illness, which I did not see clearly and it came out later.
He blamed me for everything. I had to have him leave my house because of how burned out and overwrought I was with his constant drama. He would not contribute to the house, even after he got a new job.
I feel he wanted me to marry him before I found out about how he really is. I need to break these bad patterns. And listen to my gut when I get that message. I know how stressful that can be. You should definitely give yourself credit for seeing the signs and trusting your instincts not to commit. Wishing you lots of healing and comfort Jen.
This was very comforting to read, thank you. Especially the forgiveness part. I thought I had moved past my "mistakes," so I was angry with myself when I ended up right back there.
Thanks so much. I was with my first boyfriend for 5 years and I can say that he was what I considered my best friend.
Gentle and understanding. Yes he ticked me off at times but me being stubborn and very high in my beliefs most likely triggered that. I treated him bad near the end and I have regretted it every day since.
I cheated. I don't even feel I am that person really however I seemed to go weird after I lost my nan no excuse however after Nathan my 1st things just took a turn for the worse. I met Scott who was psychically,emotionally and verbally abusive at the age of 20 and then aaron who was more emotionally abusive and very verbally abusive when I feel pregnant with aaron and after he attacked me I left.
I was quick to fall in love again with Chris who I thought was different, the peace in life. I didn't think I could go through the same pattern again.
He was there through my pregnancy and the birth and after however the relationship was toxic and he was very quick to anger and then become verbal whilst angry.
I had trust issues anyway and I dont think he could hack those along with near enough everything. So once again I am left heartbroken and betrayed. I am put off men as they all seem the same to me? This was a good read.
From here it appears daunting, but even more daunting is the terrible thought that this behavior could continue until the end. Thank you for sharing your wisdom for the benefit of others and expressing your gratitude that it is not a hopeless battle. How do I forgive myself? This helped. A lot thank you.
I had to break down and ask God to help me start loving myself. I do definitely need a change.
Break Bad Relationship Patterns - Iyanla: Fix My Life - Oprah Winfrey Network
I would adore calmness. My relationship are so full of chaos. I will work on your suggestions. Thank you so much. Yes, this resonated. I felt a wave of relaxation when I closed my eyes and simply stated, "forgive. Thank you. Do you have any other articles on how to do such a simple yet difficult task? This was helpful and reassuring especially the part about a peaceful relationship. I am paralyzed in my emotions and in a new relationship that is calling out my old patterns.
I feel like a failure without doubt, I realize the insecurity I have, that I carry, and that confuses people because I have a lot to offer - the insecurity comes from this exact place I have arrived to, the place where I will be unable to change or know how to change certain behaviours, and once my partner realizes this, the relationship will end. I carry a pattern of negative thinking from a depressed lineage of women on my mothers side, and a cowardly isolationist tendency from my fathers side.
I feel paralyzed by the patterns that are arising, by the partner talking to me very patiently about them, and me being unable to address it with them because I am frozen, knowing that here I am again. Hearing and seeing but feeling powerless to stop or change. The pattern is what? Except that I am a negative thinker, dramatic, have an underdeveloped emotional capacity for navigating emotional spaces and dialogue, I am unable to articulate my needs, my opinions and after a while things just go hazy inside.
Breaking bad dating patterns
I shut down. I feel at an impasse. Even though outside of relationships I am clear, inspiring, focused, articulate. I really enjoyed your article, thank you. But how do I overcome this form of egoism I think it must be, that freezes me, incapacitates me, traps me - paralyzes me and I am unable to take action to change, to even see my pitfalls, and I am terrified of having an honest dialogue about my needs, my problems,because even that will seem petty and childish and how could I possibly still be like this at I truly believe we have the power to change the patterns that we can clearly identify, but it takes a ton of work and often requires the right support.
Do you have someone you can talk to about these feelings? Thanks for this Liz, Just what I was needing as I have found myself living out yet another pattern in a current relationship. I've discoverd that this goes all the way back to my mother and I wonder if you would suggest any further reading for really getting to the heart of your specific patterns and moving toward breaking them?
Thanks so much for reading. Coincidentally, a free video series from Hayhouse on this exact topic just popped up in my inbox. Hopefully it helps! Very well written. Thanks Liz. I have a problem of bad repetitive patterns in the same relationship.
Its always the same issue that bothers and its the same reactions and the same words spoken each and every time! Very annoying and frustrating.
What can i do? First of all, thank you for writing this piece. It is very helpful. I have a story for you, and for the other readers, on which I need some advice. Anyway, after my dad died when I was 13 years old, I fell in love for the first time with a boy much older than me, and for years it was just a platonic thing.
I was indecisive, my behavior was very immature, so the guy eventually gave up, and we broke up, which cast me into a dark depression for a year and a half, as I realized I had a lot of growing up to do in order to be with someone. After the break up, I dated a little, but the people I met only used me. For a long time I felt so guilty for screwing up my previous relationship, that it led me to situations were I tolerated behaviors that were unpardonable: disappearing for days on end, disrespect etc.
It seemed like all the people I met fit this pattern, of players who only wanted casual flings. Then, while on a group bus-trip, we had a horrible crash and I was badly injured. A while after the crash, while still recovering, I met a man who seemed so different from all the restWe laughed for hours on end talking, we listened to the same music, we loved the same movies, and it was just beautiful.
But then, he started to behave like my exes :. This broke my heart because it brought back some of the feelings I decided I would never have again after the crash: feeling unwanted, sadness, loneliness etc. It just felt like history repeating itself. What bothers me the most is that I love him so muchI truly feel we are very compatible.
However, I am very depressed now because I feel like he is turning into a pattern too, and that I am missing something. What could it be? I am at a loss and considering getting some therapy in the future. But until then, maybe your two cents could help me.
Thanks a lot and big hugs!
Hi Margaret, thank you for sharing your story. Instead of telling yourself you will never feel those things again, I might suggest trying to accept that those feelings will arise from time to time and then figuring out how to show yourself more compassion when they do. You opened yourself up to love and that is a really brave thing. In the meantime, you can draw some boundaries and do your best to love yourself through all the hard feelings.
Thank you so much for replying! I kept coming back to see if you had the chance to write to me and I am totally grateful you took the time to tell me your opinion. I will read your answer a few more times and let it sink in. Thank you so much for your work.
You lifted a big weight off my heart with your reply and I just want you to know that what you do is incredibly powerful! Please never stop making the world a better place.
Big hearts like yours are a rare thing and all the more beautiful for it. I wish you all the love in the world. Margaret, that is so incredibly sweet and generous of you to say. Thank you SO much. So glad to have you here in this little corner of the internet.
Lots and lots of love to you! You are an amazing human being and you deserve it for your wonderful work. I am very happy to have found you. I will definitely keep coming back to your website for wisdom and comfort. Take care and I wish you all the love in the world!
My life right now is in a big mess, because I kept on having the same repetitive relationship patterns with my exes and it has caused a great deal of damage to my soul and every bit of my self esteem self worth has been shaken up.
Think, breaking bad dating patterns all became clear
So glad this was helpful, Bhavani. Thank you for sharing! These steps are simple but sometimes difficult to take! Thanks again for this beautiful outline.
Thank you, Liz. Begin listing all of the traits and qualities this person possessed the good stuff, and the bad.
Do this for each partner.
Really. breaking bad dating patterns valuable
Star only the positive qualities and leave the rest. Lay the sheets of paper side by side. Looking at what you have starred, place a check mark on each sheet next to any repetitive positive traits or qualities.
Even if only two of your partners match on a specific trait, check it. Repeat the process of step three, this time checking off any common negative attributes. Using a new sheet of paper, divide the page in half - title the left side and the right side. Under the left column, list all of the common positive traits and qualities, and under the right all of the common negative. Creating Your New Pattern Explore your pattern. Circle the qualities and traits you would like in a future partner.
They are also, most likely, the causational factors that played a part in the unraveling of your past relationships. Underline them. On a fresh sheet of paper, your old patterns aside, list all of the qualities you would like in a future partner. Then, compare this with the qualities you have starred during the past pattern exercise and star them on your new list.
To begin the work of moving forward, go back to the list of negative traits and qualities from your past. Circle the ones that resonate with you; the ones you possess as well or have exhibited in past relations.
In short, patterns are not finalities: they can be broken. But, like the breaking of so many bad habits, breaking a bad dating pattern is not a one-step process. Rather, there are three steps that need to be taken before the pattern is even feeble enough to snap in half. These steps ensure you breaking bad dating pattern behavior.
By the law of attraction, what you put out comes back to you in return. These are the qualities you need to let go of in yourself, if you want to avoid encountering them in future partners. Breakups or two fold, and faults are never one-sided.
With you breaking bad dating patterns directly
Take responsibility for your part in the failure of your past relationships by noting some of the ways in which you contributed. List the negative traits and qualities you embodied during that time, and list the traits and qualities you would like to possess moving forward. With a list of traits and qualities you would like in a potential partner and a list of the traits and qualities you wish to embody - you are now prepared to embark on a new journey and create a new pattern.