Do you enjoy being terrified by crazed drunks at 3am? Then you're gonna love this insane person! On the bright side, you're definitely going to be cooler than her first boyfriend Everything was going great, until his date told him that she considers herself a real Brainiac. Thousands of women are now wishing they hadn't put "No one over 40" in their dating requirements. She does realize that, at this point, she could probably just date Aaron Carter, right? What I'm looking for: Someone who is totally cool with me cheating on them while they are brushing their teeth before bed.
I was young and stupid - and it happened again! We finally came to a bench and I sat on the opposite side in fear that I was going to be licked again. As I thought of an escape plan, I heard a strange noise.
Dec 17, 18 Horrifying Fart Stories That Will Give You Secondhand Embarrassment I saw a group of porta-potties being set up. I tried my best to get there, letting out consecutive farts long the way. 15 Women Revealed Things Men Write On Their Dating Profiles That Are Instant Deal-Breakers It's rough out there, ladies. Some of the Most Hilarious Tinder Profiles. Mar 07, Then, you come across the perfect profile. It might be five words, three paragraphs, or a hilarious photo, but either way you're in stitches. We've scoured the internet (and the best dating apps) to pull together a list of some of the funniest dating profiles. 1. The Truth.
He was full-on masturbating. In a public park. I don't think I've ever run as fast as I did that day. I'm not a religious person, but he guaranteed that we'd get food after. I'd done the church-after-a-sleepover as a kid, so I thought, hey, no big deal.
Well at church he introduced me to his whole family as his girlfriend - I mean parents, cousins, even grandparents.
He kept asking if I wanted to make out throughout the service. Finally, when it was over, he took me to 'brunch': stale doughnuts served for the youth group. The whole night was awful, but I eventually gave up after he said, 'You ever hang out in hospitals? I like to. Maybe just because I'm turned on by blood. He proceeded to get high and then streaked around his backyard.
I went home and never spoke to him again. He originally said he worked on Wall Street, but was actually a 'work-from-home consultant,' which I learned meant he was unemployed. Then he went on about how he was addicted to artificial sweeteners and ordered them online all the time.
He also said he likes to cook, so I asked him what he makes and he said, 'Anything I can use sweeteners in, like fruit soup. The guy sitting next to us was laughing so hard his back was shaking. While we perused the menu at an Indian restaurant, some winged beast flew overhead and took the most massive dump on me. There was bird poo in my hair, all over my face, and down the front of my body.
As I stood there, shocked and embarrassed, I turned to see my date nearly having a stroke to hold his laughter in.
Things didn't work out. He and I have always gotten along and he seemed cool, so I figured, why not? We met up at a nice restaurant and the evening was going so well when he told me that he'd bought us tickets to see a movie - 50 Shades of Grey.
I don't think it would have been THAT awkward if it weren't for his intense hand-squeezing during the sex scenes of the film. When I arrived, he asked for a ride to Ikea because he'd just sold his dining room table on Craigslist and needed another. I found out then that he didn't have a car. So I drove him, and when we got back to his place, I watched TV with his roommate's girlfriend while he made dinner.
Afterward, he asked if I wanted to stay the night because he had a job interview in the morning that he needed a ride to. I hightailed it out of there. I have no idea why I stayed as long as I did. He picked me up and took me to the house he was renting with some other guys, and we went directly to his room where he had a card table set up in front of his TV. He turned on South Park and brought in burnt, flaky grilled cheese sandwiches and a bag of tortilla chips, and we had the worst conversation.
Then we sat on his bed and he repeatedly kept trying to touch my butt. I only lasted two episodes before I told him to take me home. During my turn I heard him snickering behind me, saying, 'I'm definitely an ass man.
Then we sat down to watch a movie and he leaned in close, saying, 'hold me,' in a baby voice. I shot up off the couch and said I needed to go and he had to drive me home. I flew out of the apartment, forgetting that there were stairs. Somehow in some form, I had accidentally baked snickerdoodles. And that is why my parents can never take my cooking seriously.
Painting a roller coaster : So in my junior year of high school I got a project to make a roller coaster for my physics class. Everything was going fine until the day my partner and I had to paint the thing. We were in my garage spray painting the tubes and these two guys come marching up to the house across the street and start yelling at the top of their lungs, beating on the door. Well I called the police, closed the garage and parked myself in front of the dining room window.
Long story short the police showed up in full gear broke down the door and brought out the two boys at gunpoint. Jellyfish fiasco : So when I was like 9 I went to this aquarium thing and it was a pretty amusing trip overall.
Of course, writing a funny dating profile is no easy task. Sometimes your jokes hit the mark, and other times it's a near-miss. To give you some idea of how it's done - and how it should never ever ever be done - we've compiled the 13 all-time funniest dating profiles out there. These side-splitting online profiles can be witty, crazy. Sep 29, Socially awkward fail: So one day I was walking around, just chilling with my friends when I see this guy reading a keitaiplus.com was new there but the book was a book I read and LOVED. So naturally I approach this boy hoping to make a new friend and bond over the series. Apr 24, 8 Women Share The Worst Dates They've Ever Been On. 1. The one where she broke her foot. "I was having a lot of fun at a punk concert with a Tinder date. We were moving from gin and tonics to beer 2. The one where the guy was REALLY feeling himself. "A .
The next day at school, the teacher asked us what we had done over the weekend. Now normally I never raise my hand. But I did this time.
I fucking did it this time. The worst possible time. Eighth grade games : So when I was in the eighth grade, science class was the most boring hours of my life. I started panicking because the game noises were excruciatingly loud. I kept playing and got eaten by a ghost almost after I pressed the start button my hands were shaking like crazy. My teacher and everyone else started laughing and I got so red afterwards.
Now when we stand up for the pledge, he moves all the way to the back of the room away from me. So still, to this day, I get my hands confused.
The principal and I were quite aquatinted at this point and so I told her why I was sent back to her office again, and she laughed. And laughed. My principal wrote on the back of my hands, L and R. She did the same to hers. Anyway, I was on a cruise ship with my grandparents, and I spot this super cute guy a couple years older than me.
I make eye contact with thus cute guy, look at my Grandparents who both look extremely disappointed, and a few other people are looking at me. Obviously I left the room immediately. Sporting goods : So I have this health teacher who is really insane about exercise.
This woman has done ironman triathlons, and talks about going to the YMCA at am. Basically we have this project to pick a health goal to do for a month. Things like drinking water or doing squats. For that you need some motivation so we were talking about physical things to reward ourselves with.
She decided to tell us about her sporting goods fetish, where she goes into a store and buys a bunch of gear like they were books.
Looking back that was my first existential crisis. Now, in 6th grade I had one really close friend who I never actually got into a fight with. I was really good at holding grudges because I was not a forgiving child, so for three weeks I completely ignored my best friend in anger to the point where she started crying in front of the teacher and he asked what was going on.
Sniffing candles with my best friend : So my best friend and I were in a super market and there were a lot of new candles.
Whatever I guess we sniffed to much candles because we started laughing very hard and I lay on the floor and my best friend fell into to pasta shelf which made us laugh even more and louder and people were already staring at us.
All glowed up : After the final bell, my friend and I were walking to our buses after school through a crowded hallway. We were talking about childhood and reminiscing about old memories, and we somehow started talking about which people became hot since middle school. And OF COURSE he heard her, but it was so awkward so he just walked past us looking down at his phone and my friend fell on the ground from embarrassment.
Chinese class : I took Chinese at school as a freshman.
May 07, 2. The god of poops: "I planned an OKCupid date with this guy, but he didn't show up until hours after we'd originally said we'd meet. We ate and went to .
Our teacher wanted us to watch a Chinese movie in that free time, and I just so happened to watch one recently on YouTube. I offered to find it, and my teacher let me use her computer, that was connected to a Promethean board so that the whole class could see what I was doing on the screen. When I opened my history I was mortified since stupid me had forgotten that being the awkward virgin that I was at the time I had searched up tutorials on kissing and making out that previous night.
The whole class was hysterically laughing, my teacher was extremely confused, and I almost cried as I scrolled past all the kissing tutorials and finally found the movie. Coca-Cola disaster : A couple years ago my friends and I were going to see a movie in the theatre at the mall.
Instead of paying the ridiculous movie theatre prices for pop and candy, we decided to go to target to buy some stuff. My friend told me she had seen a bottle with my name on it inside this bin of Coke.
The pop was at least five or six feet in diameter. I watched as people passed the mess and made looks of disgust. Imagine if I had opened it inside of the theatre. At The Disco concert and she promised me she would face time me so that I could watch with her.
So she messaged me at like the middle of the night telling me to answer her FaceTime call but I was at my neighbors house which also happened to be my cousins house so I started running out the door and my sister followed me behind and was chasing after me.
I waited for almost two hours, refusing to take a shower even though the mud was starting to dry up. This was two years ago and to this day every time my sister sees the pothole she starts dying from laughter. The toilet phase : When I was younger, around 3 or 4 years old, I had a phase of flushing things down the toilet. I opened the cap, let it go into the toilet, and flushed.
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Slappy trails : One time in fifth grade, I was walking back to class from the bathroom. Before I continue, I should specify two things.
Now for whatever reason, I was swinging my arms around in a wild half-windmill motion. So there I was, swinging my arms dramatically, then just when I got to the corner. I had accidentally slapped someone in the face. It took me a second to realize who it was: my crush. I was mortified, but he just started laughing. The ramen incident : I have decided to remain anonymous to protect my identity from the foolishness. I removed the various packets from the bowl, added the flavor and vegetables, then put the bowl in the microwave.
After about a minute or two, I realized something was wrong. A terrible burning smell had filled my kitchen.
I opened the door to my microwave andlow and beholdI had neglected to add water. There was some smoke coming from the bowl. Not wanting to waste the ramen, I went to the sink and added water, which filled the room in acrid smoke for several seconds. I then returned the bowl to the microwave and cooked it for two more minutes before attempting to eat it. It went okay for a little while, until I discovered a globule of blackened noodles which had turned into some sort of strange crystalline substance yet seen in nature by humankind.
I had a change of heart. First phone accident : When I was in the 6th grade my parents decided I should get my first cell phone because I was going to middle school now and things were different.
I took decent care of my phone and never needed a replacement. Well, flash forward to Memorial Day weekend. My family and another family went camping up in Pennsylvania for the weekend. Well, one of the days we were up there my buddy, Oliver, and I decided to take the kayaks out on the lake.
Genius me, decided she wanted to listen to the 4 Selena Gomez songs I had on my phone. I thought it would be a brilliant idea to put my phone in a plastic bag to protect it from the water. When we got back from kayaking I took my phone out only to find the bag was submerged in water.
We had no rice or anything to save my phone so we tried laying it out to dry, not even 15 minutes later it starts down pouring destroying my phone even more. Lesson learned. Little thief : When I was around four or five I was with my mom at this store buying some Christmas gifts. I grabbed two of them and stashed one in each of my pockets. I still remember the rush of energy I got from actually leaving the store undetected.
I had the absolute worst social anxiety when I was a kid so I was a absolutely sobbing, telling this poor employee how horrible a person I was. We get in the car and I thought I was doing pretty well, until she starts freaking out? When we get there, there is a state trooper waiting for me. Literally had to take a sobriety test when I tried to get my license. At least I passed one test that day. That one time I got lost : So about a year ago, I was in Phys.
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Ed class, and we went around the neighborhood for a jog at the beginning of each class. Ed policy. To this day, I beg people to order for me when anyone remotely attractive is working the cash register. It is all I can do in my power to keep from laughing from sheer shock. I finished as through and quick as I possibly could and booked it the hell out of the room.
Later when I had to book the clients next appointment neither of us could look the other in the eye because of that traumatizing encounter.
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I will probably never be able to live down the moment I looked at the multicolored butt right in the crack. Thanks, Mrs. Miller, you the best : One time way back in sixth grade math class I had to fart really bad.
Me being the idiot that I am decided that it would be silent.
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The only person talking was the teacher and she was interrupted by freaking cannon fire farts. Weed birthday : Last year, during class, my algebra teacher let us listen to music while we did our classwork and whatnot.
Ever had an awkward first date?Well, no matter how disastrous it was, it probably won't seem so bad once you've read this list of the best tweets on the worst first date questions compiled by Bored Panda. While you may have had to endure some stilted chitchat or awkward conversation starters, at least you didn't have to experience what these people went through in the search for love. Home People 18 Funny Dating Stories That Will Make You Cringe With Embarrassment 18 Funny Dating Stories That Will Make You Cringe With Embarrassment Going on a date can either be one of the best times of your life or the worst, so it's no wonder there are so many funny dating stories . Sep 23, Here, 12 guys give their most cringeworthy first-date stories, purely for your enjoyment. 1. "I brought her to a diner right off of our college campus. After the meal, I realized I forgot my.
So, I was just jamming, being super confused on this one problem and I look up from my paper to ask my friend how to do it and EVERYONE is intensely looking back and forth between me and another girl with their fingers on their noses.
As you can imagine, I was super confused. So, naturally, I also put my finger on my nose. So I have this mini freak out at my friend Seth sitting next to me. As a freshman and quite socially inept I decide not to really do anything about it until lunch which was next block.
Funniest dating stories ever
I had some paper in my arms from last class so I decided to use those and figure out everything during lunch instead of making a scene at like literally the first week of my high school career. My teacher asks the class for a problem we can apply to it right? Well guess who raises his hand? Now my teacher adored Seth so he gets called on and you know what his answer was? Complete mortification.
I hold up the stolen backpack and my teacher had the most dumbfounded look like I have never encountered someone that failed at life more than you. We ended up continuing with that scenario and took notes on the scientific method using the very problem that I had created.
I miss that game everyday. A full sun : After an exhausting, weeklong festival I was getting a lift back home in a car full of my friends.
People Share First Date Horror Stories
We were coming up over a mountain road with a really beautiful ocean view just at sunset. Socially awkward fail : So one day I was walking around, just chilling with my friends when I see this guy reading a book. So naturally I approach this boy hoping to make a new friend and bond over the series.
Gay teacher : So about a year ago we had to do a speech about something we were passionate about. These would then be recorded to put on the school website.
I decided to do one about gay rights as it was not yet legalized in my state.