Dating is selling. There is no doubt about that. When I started to have great success in dating, going on many dates with wonderful people, it was all because I took control. You might be likable, funny, honest and caring but what sets you apart from every other human being? It may sound wrong or unnatural to some but you have to look at yourself as a product. You want to have as many as you can. You want to have the final say whether a relationship will happen or not.
It may sound wrong or unnatural to some but you have to look at yourself as a product. You want to have as many as you can. You want to have the final say whether a relationship will happen or not. I guess a kinder word is seduction. Unfortunately, that word has many negative connotations and is always somehow linked to sex.
Sell may not be the most desirable term either but it is at least somewhat accurate. So how do you sell yourself, do you stand on the side of the freeway like they do with oranges? Of course not!
You sell, the way that Coke or Pepsi sells, you become so synonymous with a lifestyle that whoever wants that life will essentially want you. Beauty, sophistication, culture, these are elements of lifestyles that many singles are looking for. If a woman is looking to have several children a man either has to be fit, healthy to reproduce or wealthy, capable of providing for a family.
The way you sell yourself to such a woman is by proving to be strong in either category. Clear skin, white teeth, a smile, neat and tailored clothes are for everyone.
Consider how many times Pepsi has come out with a new can, far more times than Coke. Some people buy products solely because of packaging, they are willing to invest in it because they like how it looks. Some singles have a hard time telling others what they do. The ability to do what you do is in direct correlation to who you are. It speaks to your intelligence, discipline and ambitions, why are you keeping it on the low?
How many times have you been hit on, only to have the person ask you a ton of questions?
How annoying. I knew it was time to give up because I was only going to continue to feel alone and miserable and never allow myself to find real love. I knew I was going to have go through feeling truly alone and go through a tremendous grieving process. I am still waiting for the real results of going through all of this besides peace.
I need more than peace in my life. A very powerful post, Natalie and very honest.
If you're focused on selling yourself and convincing people of your value, you're not building real connections. You won't be listening well. You'll constantly be in your head trying to say the right thing. You'll be performing rather than trying to get to know others. It's an insecure, self-centered mindset.
I was awake at 3 am this morning, dealing with the homework assignment given as part of my work related mediation with the former AC. The purpose of it all is to get us to identify what we are really angry or upset about. In going through the process, I have come to realize how much I orchestrated my pain, how cheap I sold myself and how, even now, months later, I was letting my fear rule my life.
I thought I had made great progress and in many ways I have coming to see the relationship clearly and seeing him for the controling, mentally abusive person he was, rather than the great guy I wanted him to be. I woke up this morning and finally got what you have been saying about giving away my power. My self esteem and self love were strong enough that I no longer saw him as this powerful thing I had to be protected from. If he is abusive, I can and will leave.
If he is disrespectful, I will not engage. That simple. My boundaries are in place - I trust myself. He can no longer rewrite history - my version of what happened is as valid and accurate as his. I have truly taken my power back and will not tolerate abuse any longer. I no longer feel like a helpless vicitm in all this - I signed up for it and I allowed it but will not tolerate it another second.
I also trust and love myself enough to know that I can stop it at any time - just walk away. Just stop engaging. I am still working through why I ever would have sold myself so short.
I am now ashamed to say that I had thought of it only in terms of physical abuse. That is no excuse and I have finally learned better.
I am getting so much better at recognizing healthy people - those who empathize, care and are true friends. As a result, the assclowns and the emotionally unavailable look like exactly what they are - limited, and incapable of a mature, reciprocal love.
I will never be able to thank you for all you have taught and shared and helped me in coming to this realization. Its not about blame. Each side was right and each was wrong and everyone is entitled to their interpretation. It was more than hitting the reset button Natalie talks about. It was about control and avoiding responsibility. LIke this post says, we each had a hand in creating the relationship and keeping it going. I feel I really have no options. My experience in the past has been years alone eventhough I am attractive or lame relationships with ACs.
Now I am unemployed - though intelligent and well qualified - I am struggling financially and the AC has come to seem like a life-raft. So is he better than nothing given the circumstances? For a few years I rented a room from a retired female teacher. She was unmarried and had a wonderful life - lots of hobbies, holidays, beautiful house, beautiful garden.
I saw her life and it was certainly much better than being in an unhappy relationship. If I am single for the rest of my life I would be happy.
Yes, I would lose out on having that companionship but I do love having my freedom - to get up when I want, sleep when I want, read in bed until 2am, eat what I like. I go to the gym, play football, see my nieces, have a job I like. What decent guy would get invovled with a woman already in a relationship, and a screwy one at that?
How would you spot a decent guy when every day an AC is destroying your self-esteem?
My favourite aunt never married and she had a great life: travelled widely, had amazing lovers, had her own pathology lab, retired and started a yoga school AND and english language class. Plus she looks better than all her siblings my dad included who are all younger than her!
Find a donor, but not this guy! What this guy told you with his passive-aggressive implications and all shows how much of an asshole, and an insecure one at that, that he is!
HE is afreaid of losing YOU. Rent a one-bedroom. Take the best job you an find. If you have to, go live with family for while.
Stay away from this jerk.
The expert, selling yourself dating everything
He has already started to drag you down! Sounds liek he wants to own you, if you ask me! This is a very good post as they all are. We all limit ourselves in different ways, not just relationships. The low self esteem keeps us locked in self-limiting behavior. I know it has been a issue for me. I can do it in other areas of my life, why is this area lacking so?
Suggest selling yourself dating think already
When I began to step outside the box things became clearer and better. I saw other options available and I was doing something different!
Celebrate your uniqueness! Debra, hooray for you! That is exactly as it should be! Reality is ones own perception I think. Congratulations on regaining your power, a step in responsibility! Just a thought. I refuse to believe that because I was pushed down the stairs I am in some way an abuser.
Blaming the victim in any way is not helpful to their already battered self esteem. I am not responsible for what my parents did and how they raised me - but I am responsible for myself as an adult.
I refuse to take on the responsibility for being abused, but I will take repsonsibility for staying and abusing in retaliation. Learning 2. Growth 3. Understanding yourself better 4.
Working out unresolved issues from your past 5. Becoming more of what you are capable of being. Happiness 2. Fulfillment 3. Satisfaction 4. Security 5.
Wonderful post, again, and so timely for me. I just discovered this in the last year how me not believing I was enough led me to date men who also believed I was not enough. But after him and several other guys who thought I was just ok but not someone with whom they could commit. I realized that it was ME. They were just reflecting back to me what I deeply believed about myself. It was a startling revelation. When I finally realized this was my deep rooted belief about myself with the help of therapy, your blog, prayer and a lot of introspection it was an incredible revelation and I decided to change that belief.
I engaged in daily affirmations where I told myself that I was enough just the way I am. I challenged myself to find out what really made me unique? What were my good points and bad points. Who was I, really? I truly value who I am.
Remarkable, very selling yourself dating theme, very
At 37 years of age I can finally say that and reallly mean it. So now, no more selling myself short. I am enough for me with or without a man and THAT is a wonderful feeling.
Greetings from Oregon, U. I forgot what a super fox I am and allowed one AC to define who I am. No more! I decide who is worthy. I decide what I will accept or not. I decide. I have options!
For selling yourself dating opinion you are
I know I can change. This should be interesting, I must try it. Hi Natalie. Just for the record I am a Guy. I have been reading your articles for some time. But today I want to comment. But first a little about Myself. And if Your wondering what that is. It is a method of working with both Men and Women I have pioneered.
Reading Your words took Me back many years to a period of My Life after the ending of My second relationship. Where I sat down and started to ask Myself some very deep questions.
Simply put. Especially about women. So I made it My mission to find out everything I could about women. I soon found out fast how badly equipped I had been as a Man. Not only about women. But My own Masculinity! Because your words are equally true for Men. I focus a lot of what I do towards Men. Because in this change that is happening between Men and Women. Especially in relation to women and their own Masculinity. However I can equally say this for women. How many women really know their own Feminine Essence?
And really know about Men and Masculinity? SmilesI enjoyed reading your article Natalie. You hit many revelations squarely on the mark. Your words took Me back many years. To when I started asking deep serious questions of Myself and Life. It has been a wonderful journey since then.
Full of challenges and revelations. And in the process meeting and getting to know some Truly Amazing Men and Women on a similar path. PS I have a request Natalie. I would like to ask permission to re-produce some of Your articles. You will get full credits and links to Your site. And if You want to check out the E Zine for Yourself. I get this perception from family and friends that being alone is not okay. I know I sell myself short.
I know I have low self esteem. This last fiasco with my ex AC has provided opprotunity to understand myself better. Nothing has felt the same in my life after the end of that disaster. My situation with this liar threw everything off center in my world. I have always been open and trusting, now I feel closed off and suspicious. I am learning to live my life as it is right now. In this moment.
We are born into this world - alone, and we die, alone. If you are lucky to find someone that will truely love you, while you can truely love you, and you can share a life together - great! I know I will recover for the lying married AC.
I need a long break from relationships. I see how my mind and heart still want to stay attached to this negatitivy and it serves me NO purpose what so ever.
I am going to take a break from dating for a long while. I feel I have been so wrapped up in finding the truth, feeling the sting of it, and moving forward has been a long process and consuming me. NML also wrote that she was dealing with health issues that were quite severe in nature, but rather than taking care of herself and putting her energy into caring for herself she was wrapped up in relationship issues. This is so true for many of us, myself included.
I want to take a break and get back to the basics of my life and living simply and making my own happiness - on my own, free of AC baggage. Thank you. I am tired of the questions too.
Even my AC wondered why I was not married or had kids - like I was a pariah. And I am also tired of people assuming that just because we men and women have never married or had children that we are EU. I could have been married 3 times, but I chose not to. I also believe I would be divorced 3 times - now how would that look on my resume? I thought I was being responsible not bringing children into this world and a troubled life with the guys I could have married, but ended up not being marriage material or we could not get along.
I made a choice!! I am with you sister!!!
Selling yourself dating
I want me back - the girl who was happy even single, loving life, family, friends, traveling, creating, working out. Aimee I have been proposed to twice and turned them both down. I had a gut feeling that things were going too fast and the ring seemed a bigger deal than the commitment And both of those men ended up marrying the very next girls they dated after our relationhship ended. One divorced within the same year, the other divorved within 4 years.
I watched my Mom marry 3 times, and her 3rd marriage actually finally worked for her. As a young child processing divorce it imprinted something on me, I never wanted to run out and jump on to the marriage train. All those sappy romance books and movies in which the woman is saved by the man loving her and marrying herblah. I did want to fall in love, love someone, still do. No one ever told me how important it is to love and accept yourself first before you enter into a relationship.
I see I am not alone in that feeling! I was reading the paragraph when you said that you acted as if you were obligated to be with a guy only because he was interested in you. Because, fair enough, they might have been decent men, but they always gave me the feeling of being incomplete, or of having settled for less, from one point of view or another. Hence, I always found myself looking for other guys, assessing my other options.
Natalie, Let me first say that I have been following your blog for quite sometime now. You have come such a long way from only a few posts to now more than 2, followers, seminars and visiting other countries etc. It is so exciting to see you and your blog become so well known! I am convinced that you will one day be as big as Oprah! Can you post your thoughts about this? As women who were used to being in bad relationships, and chasing that high, what is the happy medium in healthy relationships?
Does the high change or should there be no more high? When what we thought love was and was supposed to feel like is now replaced with something completely new and perhaps foreign to us such as the nice guy. The catch is that he has to be a nice guy with a backbone. Well, the stories are over, but for different reasons, having nothing to do with them treating me bad or lack of chemistry.
But, to this day 9 years afterI still believe he was a wonderful person. But I backed off with all sort of doubts: will his kids accept me, will the age gap become more of an issue in the long run, etc.
Dating Rules: Selling Yourself vs. Being Yourself. By Sara Eckel. Dating Dos and Don'ts. Dating guides frequently give strict rules about how to behave around prospective partners. There are dictates about who should pick the restaurant and pay the check, how far in advance the date should be requested, and how long to wait before sending the. Apr 08, Dating is selling. There is no doubt about that. You're selling trust, desire, stability, adventure, change, love and everything in between. When you're positioning yourself on the market, you have to know what makes you special and "worthy". If you can't express it clearly by your actions and appearance then you have to sell it. Oct 20, When you venture into the online dating waters, talking yourself up isn't boasting-it's doing the work you came to do. Trust me: You'll be much more likely to find the right match for you if you do a little keitaiplus.com: Elizabeth Entenman.
The point I want to make is that I was also strongly attracted to these guys, not just appreciating them as good people. So, my advice would be that there has to be chemistry as well! Thank you Sandra That makes sense and glad to know there are others who feel this way. I will have to see what happens. But I also feel that chemistry and other things take equal precedence.
Selling yourself without lying? Whether in dating or in resumes, I just can't find it in me to write a nice fluffy version of myself that fakes my good qualities under the belief that I'll be able to become the good quality faster than I'm found out. How to sell yourself on a dating website. Share. If you find yourself dating or receiving messages from the wrong types of people, now sounds like the perfect time to spruce up your online dating profile and turning the heads of those you'd really like to meet. Nov 10, Stop selling yourself short. Whoever they are that are causing you pain, you can do better. When you start working through the beliefs in your head, you'll see how much your own internal angst is limiting you. The pain you're causing yourself - there's another, far less painful route if only you'd start considering your options.
I dont want to have to choose one over the other. I will have to try and figure this out without driving him or myself nuts! Thanks again!
Earlier this year, I met a guy at a dinner party organized by a mutual friend. At the same time, I felt he was becoming too into me, too soon.
Would You Date Yourself?
After a couple of days, he cancelled me from his friends list.